


rose petal project

by rippedjuns



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 10/10 people cried no lie, Abuse, Fatal Illness, Homophobia, Hospitals, M/M, a lot of tears, also there's a reference to one of my friend's original stories in a later chapter, archive warnings could possibly change but you'll have to wait and see, i wrote all the mixtape songs in this fic, junhao+verkwan+soonhoon+meanie if you squint, letters + story, lowercase intended, the most angsty fic of 2017, there are other characters but there's a ton to list
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-03 23:24:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12758343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rippedjuns/pseuds/rippedjuns
Summary: seungcheol suffers with heart disease, and is in desperate need of a transplant. he worries constantly about his boyfriend outside the hospital, but he connects with him through letters sent to him by the boy.jeonghan is the boyfriend. he decides to cheer up his sickly partner by writing him songs in a mixtape called the 'rose petal project'. he makes it out that's he's joyful, but his life problems say otherwise.when love is blocked by sickness, how will the couple overcome life's obstacles?





	1. we're getting further apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "one thousand miles away you are  
> one thousands miles away from my love  
> crying endlessly for you come back to me  
> one thousand miles away."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've already written this, so i'm just posting it here
> 
> you may have seen this on seventeen fanfiction amino, or maybe wattpad, but i'm posting it here because it's one of the first stories i've finished and it's my child so i'm sharing it with the world
> 
> each chapter name is the translated lyrics (apparently) of 'don't listen in secret' aka one of my favourite seventeen songs of all time :3
> 
> enjoy!

> dear seungcheol,  
>  you know how much i love writing songs, how the smallest bee could click my imagination to sing a sweet melody. i miss discovering these together, but i struggle to see you because of the stupid 'family only' rule in your hospital ward. why can't i just change my last name to 'choi' and call myself your brother? don't worry about me, i'll find a way.
> 
> anyways, i've found a way that could possibly keep me closer than you thought, and so you can have me by your side even when i'm not there. my dream mixed with my love for you, i'm starting the 'rose petal project'. that is the name of the mixtape i'm going to give you in one month's time (stay alive for me!), and you can listen to it as many times as you'd like, or you can leave it on your bedside table and forget it even existed. either way, i don't mind. this is just my way of expressing my love to you.
> 
> i'm writing the first song as we speak. this is probably my fifth attempt at the lyrics, and i think they sound alright if i'm honest. here's a sneak peek of the chorus!
> 
> _one thousand miles away you are_  
>  _one thousands miles away from my love  
>  crying endlessly for you come back to me  
>  one thousand miles away_
> 
> that's all you're getting! any more and i might as well sing it all to you. i wish i could hear you whisper sweet nothings to me, i miss your voice so desperately as it comforted me. heck, i even miss your cat, haddock.
> 
> to catch you up with school gossip, meanie is finally official! they're so cute together, and it was obvious from the beginning that they were made for each other. i'm hoping for junhui and minghao to be next, seeing them glance at one another several times in maths class. verkwan, unfortunately, broke apart, saying they need some time alone to figure out their lives before they get into a relationship. i don't blame them, they are quite young with several problems of their own. they said they'd stay friends though, which is great. jihoon tries to keep everyone together as the new 'leader' of our friendship group, but i have a bad feeling that something bad will happen now you're hospitalbound. pray for us, coups! you've missed so many boring lessons, and so many fun ones to contrast, but you're going to have so much homework once you come back, i can always help if you want!
> 
> i really want to see you, seungcheol. please stay strong, not just for me, but for your family and friends.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

as the antibiotics began flowing through his body, the nurse next to him sighed as he read certain parts of the letter written in golden ink.

"it's going to be a while before you can go home, seungcheol." nurse seokjin sighed, pushing his blonde hair strands out of his face. "a long while before you're able to see any of them again."

"i wish i could see them all, before anything does happen." seungcheol frowned, thinking back to fond memories of him and his twelve friends back when he was still healthy.

"i'll try my best to not let anything happen to you, for this jeonghan boy." seokjin smiled, trying to give the boy slight comfort, but seungcheol felt terrible. he just wanted to go home, even though this was basically home for him now. the blank white walls that surrounded his room intimidated him, feeling as if they were slowly closing in on him, and the frosted windows impractical of displaying the world to seungcheol. the only burst of colour in the room being the navy blue curtains, seungcheol wished he could gift the room with a quick makeover, yet it was forbidden by the hospital, unfortunately.

"yeah, for jeonghan."

"may i ask who jeonghan is to you?" the nurse questioned, taping down the needle more securely than before. "unless it's quite personal to you, then-"

"oh, no it's fine." seungcheol began, rubbing his fingers together like two sticks trying to light a campfire. "he's my boyfriend, my one and only, a living embodiment of an angel. he's so beautiful and so smart and so creative. i couldn't have asked for anyone better than him."

"i see, you adore him."

"that's the truest it gets, my friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this is one of the shorter chapters haha


	2. then i just need to catch you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "missing the cold winter nights  
> where your hand fits straight into mine  
> looking up at the starlight  
> kiss me and hold me tight"

> dear seungcheol,  
>  i've finished one song! it's the 'one thousand miles' song that i showed you in the last letter. i'm so happy! jihoon said he'll help me record it all and put it on an mp3 player for you, which i find really kind of him. it's nice when friends are willing to help each other out for the sake of others.
> 
> how's the hospital? don't go checking out other girls and boys, i'm always watching! i do hope you aren't too lonely though, and that haddock visits you (or even lives with you) from time to time. like i said, i'm still up for lying and saying that i'm your brother, i could do that any day of the week.
> 
> what one of the many things could i say that i miss about you today? probably the way your hand fits perfectly in mine like a puzzle piece, and the wave of warmth that rushes through me the minute we make contact. i miss being able to hold your hand for a number of excuses: when i was distraught, when i was excited, when i needed support, even when i just wanted to hold hands. whenever i felt the urge to hold your hands, they would always be there, reaching out for me. i miss having that comfort. jisoo tries to help me by holding my hand, but it's not the same.
> 
> i saw the cherry blossom trees again. the ones we saw on our first date. despite the fact that they looked droopier than they were at the time we spotted them, the trees looked practically identical to the ones we sat under for our date. after gawking at them for several minutes, i realised something was missing from the picture - it was you. you standing under the tree, posing cheesily as i snapped a photo on your polaroid camera; you challenging me to a race down the park lanes up until the red, out-of-place bench; you feeding me eclair buns smothered in icing and filled to the brim with fresh cream, and you wiping off the excess cream from the circumference of my mouth. you were missing from the equation.
> 
> i got an idea for a song lyric though while i visited! i don't know whether to tell you anything about this song, but i might as well show you the verse of the first song (the title song on the mixtape will be a complete surprise by the way!)
> 
> _missing the cold winter nights_  
>  _where your hand fits straight into mine  
>  looking up at the starlight  
>  kiss me and hold me tight_
> 
> do you like the first verse? the second verse and the middle 8 will be a secret surprise, but hopefully it will all turn out alright for you. currently trying to find time to record in between homework and revision. yay!
> 
> and now, on the topic of school, verkwan have had their first proper argument, and haven't been talking for the last few days. i have no clue what the younger's were talking about, but mingyu's trying to get hansol to come to his senses, and jisoo is trying to calm seungkwan down. he's being crying a lot, and no one has been able to stop him. well, i'm next to try, so i'll keep you updated with that. there's also a new boy in our class, he looks pretty timid, but i introduced myself to him and his name is chan - preferring to be called dino. he's so cute, seungcheol! but not as cute as you, my sugarplum. he's going to sit with us at lunch tomorrow, but i assume that he might stick to me like glue, seeing as the others can be pretty overwhelming at first. and mr min from literature and mr park from maths are a thing! yoonmin is real, seungcheol! i walked into the men's toilets with jisoo and junhui before we headed to maths, and they were eating each other's faces off! they said that if we didn't tell any member of staff, we would get straight A's in their classes for the rest of our time at school, and i also asked if you could as well once you were out of hospital, in which he said yes! the power of blackmailing, am i right or am i right?
> 
> hope you enjoyed this anecdotal letter (i'm trying to use advanced vocabulary so i'm used to it come my exams), and there will be more in the future. hopefully your hospital time is ephemeral and that i'll see you sooner than i think! i love you to the moon and back - actually, no, i love you to saturn and back, and i'll collect us a ring while i'm there, in order to bind our love together.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

seungcheol read through both letters in his hands. the first one being the love note from his boyfriend, the 'j' in the other boy's name swirling around and reminding seungcheol of a lollipop from the seaside. the second one making him equally as ecstatic, as it explained the fact that they'd found a donor and the operation will be sooner than the doctor's thought.

"i know, i'm happy as well baby!" seungcheol's mum grinned from ear to ear as her son finished the letter.

"jeonghan will be happy to see you again, i bet." his father smiled, "why don't you call him now?"

seungcheol's face lit up like a streetlight, jumping at the chance to hear his sweetheart's angelic voice once more. the phone made the static ringing noise, which bugged him. he prayed and prayed that jeonghan would pick up, and then he made the mistake of looking at the clock. it read eleven minutes past ten. that smile that was plastered on his face peeled off to reveal a frown. "hang up, there's no point."

"why, sweetie?" his mum stroked the side of his head, seungcheol using his weak strength to lift his arm up to the clock. his parents let a disappointed 'oh' escape their lips, and rubbed their son's hands. "maybe later,"

"is it alright if i give seungcheol his breakfast, mr and mrs choi?" seokjin walked in, the parents nodding as a tray was placed on the patient's lap. containing floppy pancakes, bitty orange juice, and cold toast, seungcheol sighed at today's plate. he wished to have a mcdonald's breakfast once again, wanting to taste their sausage and bacon mcmuffin once again with his boyfriend and friends, but he put up with the dried out pancakes that were drenched in sugar free syrup - although syrup was pure sugar.

"mum and dad have to go to work now," his father explained, picking up their suitcase and sliding on their coats. "but, we promise to come see you again tonight."

"pinky promise?" seungcheol held out his little finger, in which it intertwined with his father's slightly larger finger.

"pinky promise." he replied, then placing a peck on his son's forehead, soon followed in suit by his wife. "love you, son."

"love you too, dad." seungcheol waved as they exited. and now it was back to the waiting game: when will death come around the corner and surprise him? the ending was unknown by the players, but they knew it was coming - and it was coming quick.


	3. so you won't get far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i could cry a river for you  
> i could climb a mountain for you  
> only if you promise that you'll  
> stay with me."

 

> dear seungcheol,  
>  waddup doggo! how is you? hopefully you is fine. i don't know why i'm such a meme today, but i like it.
> 
> the boys wanted to say hi, so before i show you the lyrics, here's a message from some of them, starting from oldest to youngest.
> 
> jisoos blesses you into health, i hope. i still need to work on my miracle working. get well soon :3 - joshua hong kong
> 
> hey, s.coups. sorry for the terrible grammar, as you can tell i haven't fully mastered korean yet. why did you leave woozi in charge? he can barely take care of himself! and he is violent very easily, and hit wonwoo maybe once or twice. you should have left me in charge, i am more capable of taking care of imbeciles. i think. maybe it is the language barrier but i don't know. please come back, we need you. from the only normal person here, junhui
> 
> seungcheollllllll!!!!!!!!!!!! get well for us! i don't know what else to say other than to stay strong and keep fighting! - soonyoung
> 
> stay strong :) - wonwoo
> 
> jeonghan really cares about you. legit haven't seen him work this hard in his life on a project. he's gotten detentions for poor homework because he's staying up all night trying to think of melodies and lyrics for your mixtape. he tells you not to feel bad, and i don't think you should at all, but please realise how much you mean to him. if someone told him to jump into a volcano to save your life, he would be in the lava and swimming right now. even if you struggle to try and pull through for us, at least try for him, seungcheol. and why did you leave me in charge with these baboons, i'm having mental breakdowns. please send help, i don't know how you do it coups. - jihoon
> 
> hey seungcheol! how's hospital? what's the food like? we do miss you at school, jeonghan's been a bit sadder than usual. i'll bring you the school gossip today! meanie had their first kiss, verkwan are still in a feud, and junhao have been giving sneaky glances to each other much more often. not long now before they kiss! ( ＾∀＾) there's a tense atmosphere without you, and i'm not too sure that everything's going to run smoothly. but either way, get well soon hyung! - seokmin
> 
> yes, i'm still making meals for those who can't be asked to pay the ridiculous prices. in fact, wonwoo said i should make a food stall and sell food for the students, and i might start it next week! I'll save some for you hyung, if there's any left hehehe. baiiii and get well soon - mingyu (or as you call me: mingewww)
> 
> i will not right a lot because my korean is not the top, but can u get good soon hyung? <33 - minghao
> 
> i'm sorry s.coups. i've been hanging out with sanha and minhyuk recently instead of the gang, but jeonghan still hunted me down so i could write to you. me and hansol have been in a feud recently, and he kicked me out of the group. he hates me. but i still have feelings for him. i want to get back together with him, but he gives me death stares. please come back, coups, so you can help me as my agony aunt. or should it be agony uncle? this confuses me. - seungkwan
> 
> seungkwan hates me. i dislike him. but he is still cute. i want to say sorry, but i want to give him some time to cool down. he thinks i'm glaring at him, when really it's my resting look and he should know it. he's been hanging out with other people, and i miss him. it's all my fault. i shouldn't have accused him of it, when i knew it was a lie. i know that everyone says for you to try and pull through, but if you can't carry on fighting, dont give yourself guilt. we all have to give up at some point, and that doesn't mean we haven't tried. as long as we put all we can into it, we shouldn't feel bad if we've failed. so, if you are unable to carry on fighting, don't feel bad. you've tried, and you'll always be my inspiration, hyung. - hansol
> 
> i don't really know who you are, but jeonghan-hyung goes on about you constantly, so i guess he means a lot to you. do what you can to survive, but i think that as long as jeonghan knows you tried for him at least, he'll be forever grateful. - chan
> 
> and that's the squad! hopefully they warmed your hearts, or broke them, i don't know what they wrote. i kept them for your eyes only!
> 
> and today on what jeonghan loves about seungcheol: your smile! i swear, every time you smile, the world around me lights up in response. your beautiful, pink lips and your pure, white teeth and your fresh, minty breath and your cute, deep dimples. i could say so much about how much your smile makes me feel fuzzy inside, but what i am going to say is that you have a certain smile that you only use to smile at me. i've never seen you smile at any one else the way you smile at me, and that makes me feel like a very special boy. thank you.
> 
> now, will you smile at the chorus of the next song? please do, i hope you like it, baby :3
> 
> _i could cry a river for you_   
>  _i could climb a mountain for you_   
>  _only if you promise that you'll_   
>  _stay with me_
> 
> love you to the pizzeria and back, cheollie (because that's how far i'm to walk right now because fatigue is a thing)  
>  ╰(*'︶'*)╯♡
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

seungcheol exhaled, alone in the dark room. this was the third time he had read this specific letter, and he was glad that everyone was doing well - despite hansol and seungkwan. he missed them all so dearly, and wanted to beg the doctors to let them see him. the wifi was horrific in the hospital, so facetime was practically impossible.

he couldn't wait to hear the mixtape, happy that jeonghan was putting so much time and effort into the project. although he was disappointed that his boyfriend was getting detentions for incomplete homework, seungcheol knew that he meant well and that it'll all be worth it in the end.

"still up, seungcheol?" nurse seokjin walked in, sitting beside his bed and smiling brightly. the patient nodded, and the nurse smiled back. "same, i can't sleep either." seokjin practically lived here, due to the fact that the majority of his shifts were overnight as well as during daytime hours.

"seokjin," the nurse's attention turned to the boy once his name was called. "do you think that i'll be able to go home?"

seokjin froze, not knowing what to say. of course he didn't know, no one knew, but he couldn't say that to the content boy. "i'm sure if you fight hard enough, you come out with a full recovery."

"i'll try my best!" seungcheol lit up, and seokjin's heart sank. deciding to keep the boy in this mood, the nurse pulled out an item from his pocket, vacuumed shut in a purple foil wrapper. he placed it in the boy's hands, and placed a finger to his lips, telling seungcheol to keep quiet about the item. he looked closer at the item, and it happened to be a bar of milk chocolate - seungcheol's favourite brand, to be exact.

"thank you!" seungcheol grinned, taking a bite of the rich cocoa, and indulging in it as the delightful sensation danced around my tastebuds. the nurse smiled once again, and exhaled.

"i'll do all i can to try and help you through this." he mumbled to himself, lucky that seungcheol was still obsessing over his chocolate to hear his out-loud thoughts. "for your family, for your friends, for your jeonghan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i've decided that i'll post this every other day? so mondays, wednesdays, fridays, and saturday/sundays depending on my mood
> 
> hopefully you're enjoying it so far, don't be afraid to leave a comment! （＾ω＾）


	4. that should be enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "am i overprotective, baby?  
> do i need to give you some space?  
> you don't want me to be hurt  
> but there are bruises all over your face."

> dear seungcheol,  
>  i got an isolation today in school. someone asked me why i still hold onto you, even though you're practically dead already. i was about to punch him, but then jihoon calmed me down. then, the other person said that you have no heart to love me with, and that someone else will love me instead of you because of the transplant. that's when i gave him an uppercut and a bleeding nose.
> 
> i know you hate me getting into fights and being the opposite of the angel you picture me as, but they were talking about you and taking the mickey out of you, and i couldn't just let them do that. at least the isolation will give me more time to work on songs for the 'rose petal project'.
> 
> seungkwan doesn't sit with us anymore, and hansol is getting upset more often. i try to comfort him, say everything's going to turn out fine, but he just runs off into the toilets and cries for the majority of lunch. some days, he just goes straight to the toilets. they really need each other, and they can't get back together. meanie and junhao (now a thing!) have been acting pretty odd recently, but i've passed it off as couple awkwardness around a load of singles - and a lonely soul with his boyfriend in another building. jihoon has been staying close with soonyoung, as per usual, and other than that, things have been normal.
> 
> i've learnt to play the guitar for you. jisoo taught me, and he says i'm a born natural, so i've started writing songs using a guitar rather than a piano now. it's kind of fun, learning a new instrument, despite the aching pain in my fingers. maybe when you're out of hospital, i could teach you guitar and we could learn duets! yeah, let's do that.
> 
> _am i overprotective, baby?_   
>  _do i need to give you some space?_   
>  _you don't want me to be hurt_   
>  _but there are bruises all over your face_
> 
> until then, i'll be here, waiting for your return. so much love, my sweetheart. sorry this letter is shorter than usual.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

only one more month, and seungcheol will be able to receive the transplant. then, it'll be a couple of days after that he could be discharged, and he could go running back into jeonghan's arms. well, maybe not run. it would better for his wellbeing if seungcheol slowly walked back into jeonghan's arms.

a vase of flowers sat by his bed, white carnations and purple magnolias spread out in the calm waters beneath. they symbolised good luck and health, but flowers can't predict the future. seungcheol wanted to get out of this hospital, but he was afraid that if he goes back, jeonghan might have changed or not like him anymore, despite the constant letters being received from him.

pulling out a pair of earphones, seungcheol plugged them into his ipod and pressed shuffle, playing viva la vida by coldplay. submersing himself in his own thoughts, he looked through the frosted windows, trying to piece together what the outside world could hold for him. is it full of traffic, or as quiet as a mouse? is it colder than the artic, or hotter than a desert? all of these answers were unknown to seungcheol, who was stuck inside a hospital room, unable to escape. a wooden door stood in his way to the outside world, and seungcheol hoped that one day, he'll be well enough to kick it down.

his phone vibrated, a voicemail from his parents.

"hey sweetie! sorry we can't come and see you today, mum and dad have a business event that runs overnight tonight. how are you? you don't miss us too much, do you? i know you miss your friends back at school, and we're doing our best to get the hospital to allow them to come. just hold on for them! we love you to the moon and back, and even if you can't see us, we're still there."

_maybe that applies for jeonghan as well. if i can't see him, is he still there?_


	5. i know, i know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "wherever I may be  
> please stay close to me, baby  
> i never want you to flee  
> so don't ever leave me, please."

> dear seungcheol,  
> i'm a bit stressed out at the moment, so i decided that maybe talking to you could help me relax. i always seem more calm around you, your arms around my waist as you whisper sweet nothings into my ear. i miss those days dearly.
> 
> let's start off with some positives first: firstly, i've gotten some songs recorded for the mixtape! i'm so excited for you to see them, well, listen to them. secondly, it's time for another edition of 'what jeonghan loves about seungcheol'! i think your husky voice is what i'll talk about today. you are able to manipulate your voice to speak your emotions; one minute you sound sexy as hell, and then the next you're a cute kitten. each word that escapes your lips can either give me shivers down my spine, or make me feel warm inside, but both occur when you compliment me - which happens a lot, for some reason. i'm not the hottest boy in this world, nor am i the smartest, nor am i the cutest. i will never know why you picked me to go to prom with, or took me out on a date, or picked me as your boyfriend, but at least i can hear your gorgeous voice every day of my life.
> 
> now, time for the song lyrics! i call this song 'stay close to me', and because i'm in a good mood now, after thinking about you, i've included the verse and the chorus. consider yourself lucky, baby <3
> 
> _alone, I feel like I'm drowning_   
>  _no one around to save me_   
>  _losing my cold breath in the water_   
>  _you come around and save me_
> 
> _wherever I may be_   
>  _please stay close to me, baby_   
>  _i never want you to flee_   
>  _so don't ever leave me, please_
> 
> what do you think, seungcheol? do you like it? what i'm saying is: no matter whether you're in hospital, at school, at home, or half the way across the world - please stay close to me. we fit like a puzzle piece, perfectly.
> 
> the table has been the same, awkward except for the couple of boys who try and make us laugh. i think they desperately miss you as well. we've broken apart since your departure, so hopefully your arrival will help bring us together again.
> 
> so much love, my baby boy/sugarplum/prince/sweetie pie/honey boo. what would you like to call me? *insert kissing emojis here*
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

"so cocky, he is." seungcheol chuckled to himself, reading over the lyrics and the captions before and after. god, did he love his boyfriend. he loved jeonghan with all of his failing heart. he wished he could take jeonghan on all those cheesy dates that are over tumblr and instagram, ice skating and dinner and beach walks and amusement parks, but his heart wasn't up to it. his heart was never up to it, from the minute he was born. he didn't need a transplant until now, but he still had to go for practically weekly check-ups. jeonghan said during his letter that he was always confused why seungcheol picked him, but seungcheol had always wondered why jeonghan picked him, with his heart disease and all. it's not like he's gonna be able to do much, anyway, so why be stuck with someone who has to be at home all day, when you can have someone who takes you out every day and spoils you like a boyfriend should? these thoughts passed through seungcheol's mind everyday.

"hello~" sung seokjin as he walked through the door, seungcheol weakly smiling back. "i know you're going to hate me, but your school has sent you some work to complete."

"but do i have to do it?" seungcheol moaned, rolling his eyes and chuckling lightly. "it's not like they can give me a detention anyways, i'm stuck in this room constantly."

"well then maybe tomorrow i can take you to the hospital gardens?"

"this place has a garden?!"

"yeah, and sometimes guests can visit as well, so if there's anyone you want to invite-"

"i can see jeonghan!" seungcheol shouted in glee, reaching over to give the nurse a hug. he could feel himself welling up in tears, ecstatic to know that he can see his boyfriend once again. "you need to get me the hospital phone, please seokjin!!"

at request, seokjin rushed over to the stand and picked up the wireless phone, handing it over to seungcheol. pressing 11 buttons in a certain order, he listened to the ominous dial-up as he waited for jeonghan to pick up. he waited; and waited; and waited. nothing. straight to voicemail.

**_'hello, this is yoon jeonghan's mobile, please leave a message after the tone, unless you're my hairdressers, then i'll be there in five.'_ **


	6. but it's not as easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "sipping tea in a secluded room  
> sitting opposite and facing you  
> your eyes sparkle under the candlelight  
> love these times i spend with you."

> dear seungcheol,
> 
> remember a couple of letters ago, when i said i gave a boy an uppercut when they insulted you? well, that happened to be someone quite close to us. kim mingyu.
> 
> i was so shocked at his words that the only thing i could do was punch him. he was so rude, yet i got the blame for physical contact. he's practically bullying you! and he got away with it! i'm so angry with him it's unbelievable. mingyu and wonwoo left the group, becoming friends with all the jocks that praise chanyeol, i think it is? i think junhao is leaving as well, seeing as they now spend their lunches with two boys called tao and kris, and their breaks with us. that'll be five people gone, and seven left. hansol still cries in the toilet, and seungkwan still hangs out with sanha and minhyuk. it's just me, jihoon, soonyoung, jisoo, seokmin and chan left now, a massive decrease from before.
> 
> but anyways, enough of my rambling, how are you? i guess i haven't asked that in a while. all i talk about is myself and how i'm suffering, while you're dying - wait no, scribble that out - sitting in a hospital bed alone, waiting for a certain person to knock on your door. i don't know whether that's me or the boy in black, but either way, you don't deserve to listen to my hardships. i hope you are feeling alright, i hope you keep on fighting. you deserve such a good life cheol, a life filled with happiness and joy, where you can travel the world and meet new people, try new foods and explore the hidden wonders. you might never get to go to england. that scares me. the place you've always wanted to visit, where we'd sip earl greys without milk in a tearoom and eat crumpets smothered in butter. where we'd visit buckingham castle and act like we really did rule the world. where we'd sit on the london eye at night and watch the buildings light up the whole of the city below. i loved how you'd always say 'we', like you knew i'd come along, and you wanted me to be there in those memories. those memories that will never be a part of the photo book.
> 
> i wrote more lyrics, as you know. i was stuck this week after the whole mingyu incident, but as i wrote this letter, i gained a lot of inspiration. here's the verse:
> 
> _carousels and ferris wheels_  
>  _both spin me round and round_  
>  _but nothing beats the smile on my face_  
>  _when you spin me round and round_
> 
> _sipping tea in a secluded room_  
>  _sitting opposite and facing you_  
>  _your eyes sparkle under the candlelight_  
>  _love these times i spend with you_
> 
> while you wait for the mixtape, i want you to listen to two songs. the first one is called 'hollywood' and it's by the black skirts. it sounds like something you would hear during a romantic teen movie, which i hope would make you laugh, but i really adore this song. the second one is 'peter pan' by exo, and i picked this song because you're my peter pan and i'm your wendy. you took me to a neverland i wouldn't have ever known without you there. for that, i'm forever grateful.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

pulling out his earphones, seungcheol untangled them until they were knot-free. he always thought the jumbled earbuds were somewhat a metaphor for his life - just a mess no one wants. once again, the word 'why' stuck around his brain like an unwanted piece of gum, and he wanted to cry.

he hated that he had jeonghan feeling all of these unnecessary emotions. he didn't want his one and only to worry about something stupid - or as jeonghan would say, being the dictionary genius he is - floccinaucinihilipilificatious. he said that this word means the estimation of something as valueless, but this was no estimation. seungcheol knew for a fact that he was a useless boyfriend, and that jeonghan would be much better off with one of the cool kids like jinyoung or taeyong. yet, the long, brown haired boy still clung onto seungcheol like a sloth to a tree branch.

all the time, he's rang and rang and rang, but all the time it's voicemails and voicemails and voicemails. he was baffled at first, jeonghan had been going on about how much he missed him, yet he wouldn't pick up his calls? but then, maybe he happens to have his phone die whether seungcheol tries to call? knowing seungcheol's stroke of luck is less likely to be real than the lock ness monster, he believed it was true.

he faced the ceiling, drowning in his thoughts that he so wanted to disappear. he imagined a parallel universe where he didn't have a disease, or he didn't know jeonghan, or he didn't exist at all. he tried to push away the thoughts, and although they still lingered, they were replaced by an idea. seungcheol leaned over to the drawer of his beside cabinet and grabbed his notebook from the drawer and also a biro pen. the original colour of the notebook happened to be blocked by the severe amount of photos that contained the couple on it. kissing, hugging, smiling, it brought seungcheol back to the days where he could still jeonghan, without having to have a life support machine following him around like a stalker. he turned over the fragile sheets of paper until he reached the desired page. then, the ink of the pen met the surface of the paper, and words flowed out of him like a river.

_'dear jeonghan,  
when you read this, you may be happy or sad with the outcome of my life. i'm dreadfully sorry if it's not the one you wanted, baby, whatever it may be.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> floccinaucinihilipilificatious: (from the word 'floccinaucinihilipilification') estimating or categorizing something as worthless


	7. as it sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "my long distance lover  
> is it actually that true?  
> can you be there for me?  
> if i'll be there for you?"

> dear seungcheol,
> 
> it's getting worse.
> 
> now, seokmin's left. it's just me, jisoo, chan, soonyoung, and jihoon. he said that he doesn't want all of this commotion to mess up his studies. does he not realise that i'm risking my grades for the 'rose petal project' because i'm deeply in love with you? he needs to realise that taking risks is just a part of life, and to say i'm annoyed at him may or may not be an understatement.
> 
> nothing seems to be going right since you've been admitted to the hospital. my world's fallen to pieces, and i'm left to pick them up one by one. i don't wanna cry, the ink will smudge and everything will be ruined, but i probably will once i've finished this. i need to think of things to cheer me up, and i know exactly what to do. another segment of what jeonghan loves about seungcheol! hopefully this makes you happy as well, i want to spread the joy in this world of hatred and sorrow. today, i want to talk about your hugs. you're like a teddy bear, willing to embrace me in whatever mood i'm in, and allow me to hug you with open arms. your hugs make me feel warm, like i've been lying in the sun with a good book, and loved, like you always make me feel. nothing will be the same as your hugs. even if i cloned you, and then asked your clone to give me a hug, it will never feel the same as specifically your hugs, seungcheol. they give me a sense of comfort and relief, as if all my worries have been washed away by the feel of your hugs and the whispers of your voice.
> 
> i wish life could be so simply led. no worries about death, or heartbreak. just peace and tranquility. i hope i'd be able to live that life with you. when we first met, i was crazy in love with you. from all your imperfections, i saw a beautiful human being, because human beings have flaws, and you happen to be a beautiful human. don't let yourself forget that i love you dearly, and wouldn't change the world to replace you.
> 
> jisoo's been quite quiet today, and i'm very confused. is he worried about you? that's what i think, but i could be completely wrong. i hope he's alright, he's my best friend after all. well, you're my bestest friend (if that's even a word), but he's a close second. i hate seeing people upset, it makes me emotional as well, and it makes the situation worse also. if i could have a button to make the world have a happy attitude, and then have a lock to keep it in place, i would give my arm and leg to the devil. i'm probably gonna be seeing him when i go, but that makes me sad because you'll be in heaven and we won't see each other. i'll try and be good in order to be with you again! i promise.
> 
> see! thinking about you has made my mood more positive. i guess it's a significant other kind of relationship thing. anyways, the real reason why you read these are to see the lyrics i have prepared for today, so are you ready?! [ **say yeah here** ] okay then!
> 
> _my long distance lover_   
>  _is it actually that true?_   
>  _can you be there for me?_   
>  _if i'll be there for you?_
> 
> do you like it? i know i ask this every time, but they're for you, and i just want a perfect mixtape for a perfect boy like yourself :3
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

seungcheol slammed his fist into the metals bars that caged him into the bed, a ringing sound emitting from it on impact. he silently shouted at himself for being such an idiot, but he couldn't help but he angry at himself. everyone's leaving jeonghan behind because they don't want to risk heartbreak, and it's all because of him. he wished everyone could be happy, and he wished that he could go home and that everything would be normal again. they could go to the boba shop every friday and buy tea and milk drinks, and then hold a competition to see who could drink them the fastest. they could visit large monuments in the middle of the city, and then take silly photos to post on snapchat with odd captions. they could visit a theme park and go on all the rides, and then watch as some of them shriek on the loop-de-loop. but of course he couldn't, because his heart decided to make his life absolute hell.

he hated the world. he hated how some people had larger privileges than others, and how these privileges can affect the people around said person as well. it wasn't fair, it was never fair. it wasn't fair on himself, it wasn't fair on his family, it wasn't fair on his friends. jeonghan didn't deserve to have an ill boy as a lover. he deserve to have a healthy boy who could take him away and treat him. but, what did warm seungcheol's weak heart was that jeonghan still cared about him, and missed his hugs. seungcheol also missed the feeling of jeonghan in a close embrace, his lips lightly grazing across his own before going into a passionate kiss. the memory hung around his mind like a climber on a mountain, and seungcheol hoped that he could reach the top of the rocks to relive the memory once again.

he tried to ring again, yet it went to voicemail. he knew jeonghan was in a traumatic state, but would he really decline calls? maybe he was writing songs. seungcheol was annoyed that his social butterfly was isolating himself for the sake of him. he loved jeonghan's giggly voice speaking over the top of him, and he loved his laugh when it was the loudest in the room.

seokjin came in again. did his check-up; gave him lunch; chatted for a bit; then left. it was the usual, but seungcheol understood that he wasn't the only sick person in this clinic - let alone the hospital. as his nurse visited, he wondered how jeonghan was getting along. whether he was talking about his dog, or maybe about his next-door neighbour. whether he moaned about the maths teacher or the physics teacher. whether he had his hair in a ponytail or down. whether he was smiling or frowning at this point in time. each thought dug him deeper into the hole of his jeonghan obsession, but then isn't that common for partners to have?

this past month has given him a lot of time to think, and it's made him fall deeper in love with yoon jeonghan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was a bit of confusion that some people thought that seokjin was in love with jeonghan, but i changed the wording a little bit to clarify that this is all seungcheol's thoughts 
> 
> hopefully this helps! <3


	8. but after time passes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "filling up my memory void  
> it's all of our polaroids  
> all hatred and sorrow destroyed  
> saved by our polaroids."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning in the letter (see tags)

> dear seungcheol,  
>  well, isn't my life going perfectly. i ended up finding out the reason why jisoo was so silent yesterday, and it isn't because he lost his voice again. i'm going to need one of your hugs again, cheollie. tomorrow, jisoo is moving back to los angeles. another friend lost. his father got a promotion and - seeing as they still have their american citizenship thingy - they can easily move back, and they've already bought a house and everything. i brought him a snow globe with a photo of us all in, to remind him that we'll always remember him if he remembers us. he gave me a hug, and told me to give you a letter, which i will enclose on the end of my letter. he says that it will never be the same without us two, and i said likewise.
> 
> about the rest of us now, its down to jihoon, soonyoung, me, and chan. i hate that it's decreasing, but chan has been more of a friend currently than all of them combined (not you, obviously <3). he's stood by me, backed me up in arguments and what not, made me smile when you weren't able to. of course chan will never be able to replace you, but for now, he's an average substitute.
> 
> there's one place that i've always wanted to go to, yet i never got the chance - or the money. the great barrier reef. i've always wanted to stand on the sandy beaches of sydney and stare longingly into the sunset, with your arm wrapped around your waist and the fish by our feet. i wanted to go scuba diving with you, exploring the wonders below and trying to find the weedlies (look up) amongst the seaweed. marine life has always fascinated me, like you fascinate me as well.
> 
> now for an update on the rose petal project! i have written a chorus, hopefully it sounds good in your mind.
> 
> _filling up my memory void_  
>  _it's all of our polaroids_  
>  _all hatred and sorrow destroyed_  
>  _saved by our polaroids_
> 
> i thought i'd write this at the end, so you can skip it if you don't want to know. you can leave this letter on a happy note and get on with whatever you were doing before opening the gudetama envelope i send these letters in. i won't blame you if you do, because i would do the same. you're still reading, aren't you cheollie? well then, you asked for it. my stepfather punched me. not once, but about five times. firstly, it was for my grades. writing these songs have made my grades decrease, but i didn't expect to get c's and d's. he had a go at me, and i tried to argue back, telling him that i've ben having a rough time recently. i haven't told him that i have a boyfriend either. that leads to the next lot of punches when he raided my room. he found the photos of us, the scrap letters that never made the final cut, the gifts you had gotten me, the songs. he screamed at me when i tried to explain, and punched me again. right in the eye and then a blow in the stomach. mum wasn't home yet, so i was left to suffer at home. i'm writing this letter while he's downstairs watching some stupid k-drama, and i'm going to post it on the way to school tomorrow. but please don't worry about me, you'll only make yourself more sick.
> 
> so much love, seungcheol. see you when you're released.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

"this world is cruel." seungcheol pouted, he was in the middle of ranting to his nurse as yet another check up was done.

"if this world was kind, i would be a millionaire and be currently sitting on a beach in the bahamas. sadly, the world is cruel, kid." seokjin pumped up the blood pressure band around seungcheol's arm. "but, it's just the way that we deal with it. as long as we believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we can succeed in anything and everything."

"really?" seungcheol asked, "then why aren't i cured of heart disease?"

"god isn't a miracle worker, sweetie, and damn do i wish he was."

seungcheol felt the airbag tighten around his arm, and sighed. how could he not worry about his boyfriend?

after seokjin had left once again, seungcheol remembered the letter given to him by jisoo that he was yet to read.  
the simple letter looked scruffier than jeonghan, suggesting it was rushed. the lined paper was crinkled like an old man's wrinkles, and the ink had smudged slightly from the hurried stuffing inside the envelope. however, jisoo's perfect cursive writing stayed readable, and as seungcheol delved into the writing, he realised something. he was jeonghan's only relief - and here he was, stuck in a flipping hospital bed. he felt a tear run down his cold cheek as he read, wishing for his friends more and more with each word.

_choi seungcheol,_

_i guess jeonghan has already told you. i'm moving away. if i could stay here, rent my own apartment and live here with you guys, honestly, i would. but however, the world is cruel, and i'm underaged. you can imagine me sighing right now._

_i'm not going to be there for him now, seungcheol. chan doesn't know him well enough, and jihoon and soonyoung aren't the best with being supportive. so, i'm not going to say the 'live for him!' phrase. i'm sure that if you were able to live, you'd be back at school right now, telling us one of your jokes for sure. what i'm saying is, if you don't live it out, then watch over him._

_you probably believe in guardian angels, and i'm sure you'll probably end up in heaven. but what ever happens, make sure he doesn't get hurt. watch over him, stay by his side, warn off anything bad, hell, even bring in a flipping swat team to surround him. he just needs to be protected from anything and anyone who could hurt him. he's had a rough life, not the best household to live in if i'm honest. his father believes in adam and eve, not adam and steve, and has had a long relationship with all things bad. i hardly see his mother any more as well, and the only person he can vent out to was us - having no siblings and all._

_this letter isn't very long, and it's most likely to be the last you'll hear of me. but, goddamn it, don't leave him whatever you do. whether you be there spiritually or physically, don't move away to a tropical country and become one of the locals - i know you want to. don't find someone else to guard over, fight against god to win him back, i'll support you. i know, it's against christian morals, but it's for our best friend, it's the least we can do._

_please seungcheol. whether you live or die, stay with him._

_\- jisoo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, things are starting to get deeper than wonwoo's vocals now...


	9. will i be able to forget everything?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it's my haiku  
> especially for you, babe  
> now feel my passion."

 

> dear seungcheol,
> 
> is there something i'm doing wrong? am i missing a key fact? am i just dumb? or maybe gullible?
> 
> if you're confused, well, friend count has gone down to one now - not including you. imagine the scene, the second table at the back left corner of the canteen - the one we usually sit at. the tension could be cut through with a knife, the atmosphere so silent yet the rest of the school was buzzing. so many old friends passed by, not even giving us a glance. it was as if we were invisible to the world, no one caring if we existed or not. it was so awkward, we just sat there and ate. jisoo would be the one providing light humour, but he wasn't there. seokmin would be pulling one of his magic tricks, but he wasn't there. mingyu and wonwoo would be having some intimate pda and making us all cringe, but they weren't there. vernon and seungkwan would be having a mood swing relationship and making us all laugh either way, but they weren't there. no one was. we were all the ones who sat and reacted, no input required. jihoon stood up rapidly, colliding his fist with the table and releasing a heartfelt rage from him. "i can't take this anymore! this damn stupid boyfriend of yours has lost us friends!"
> 
> in which, i shouted back. "he's not stupid! it's not his fault that he has this, and we shouldn't just give up on him during his time of need!" i - once again - was ready to punch someone.
> 
> "he's pretty much gone, jeonghan! he'll be gone, and then we'll all be thrown into the pit of depression if we don't move on now!"
> 
> "but what if he comes back? he'll survive and come home to nothing! that's not the way to leave a friend!"
> 
> "he couldn't care less about you jeonghan, he's more focused on what medication he's taking this afternoon than what you're doing right now!"
> 
> "how do you know that? you're not his conscience!"
> 
> "because i have a functioning mind and common sense!" and then, jihoon said something that would change his friendship with me forever. "you're hypnotised, maybe ask your father to punch you out of it." then he grabbed his things, linked his arm with soonyoung's, and left the table. "finish the recording yourself, if you think he still cares about you."
> 
> you can probably see the tear stains covering the sheet of paper. i'm so angry at everything. my friends, my family, the whole damn world. i wish it was me who was in hospital. you deserve so much more than i. you have a loving family. you have caring friends. the world appreciates your existence. why has god gotta give all the bad things to those who are loved, and everything good to those who are despised of? i'm trying to think of you, but everytime i try, jihoon's words come to mind, and i break down again. here's the lyrics, i'll leave this letter be.
> 
> _listen to this song_  
>  _imagine me in your arms_  
>  _and feel my passion_
> 
> _it's my haiku_  
>  _especially for you, babe_  
>  _now feel my passion_
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

"not long now, honey!" his mother smiled at him, counting down the days until his final surgery. the days until he can go back home. "are you excited?"

"yep!" seungcheol grinned back, holding onto the thin duvet that rose to his lower torso. taking a sip of orange juice, he let out a satisfied and refreshed sigh.

"you'll be able to go home and see jeonghan!" his father cheered, which sparked a question in the young boy's mind.

"dad, do you think jeonghan still cares about me?" he asked, the parents sharing a glance before answering their son's question.

"what made you think that, sweet pea?" responded his mother,

"well, people move on, and everyone in my group of friends has left jeonghan alone - despite the new kid who only really knows jeonghan. do you think he's losing hope in me? do you think he doesn't believe in me making it out alive?" his mother dived in for a hug, rubbing his back as seungcheol let out a single choked sob.

"he's been writing you so many letters that it seems practically impossible to be an act, cheol." his dad comforted from afar, sympathy dripping from his lips. "if he was lying, however-"

"we don't need to think about that." his mum gave an evil glance towards the dad, "he loves you dearly, just like how you love him."

"then why won't he pick up my calls?" seungcheol blew his nose with a tissue after speaking.

"he has a lot on his mind, so i assume he might not be online as much as you do."

"don't stress about him so much. if he's been telling you to stop worrying, then listen to him. he only wishes the best for you."

his mother was right. seungcheol had been sneezing and getting horrible pains ever since he started worrying about jeonghan's wellbeing. he needs to take care of himself as well, not just the people around him. but, an urging feeling brings him back, wanting him to be that protecting boyfriend he's hoped to be.

"but, i can't let jeonghan get hurt, or fall ill. he's too nice to be like me."

"you have every right to be healthy, seungcheol, just like him."

"and he has every right to be alive, mum, unlike me."

and at that moment, the doctor walks in, a stern look upon his face, and a clipboard bared in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think is going to happen with the doctor? leave your ideas in the comments!   
> ( ^ω^ )
> 
> also, what do you think of the story? is it angsty enough for you? i hope it is!  
> (￣∇￣)


	10. if you look back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “dreading the day you leave   
> devastation masks my face  
> longing for the day we meet   
> holding onto that embrace.”

> dear seungcheol,  
>  life hates me. i hate life. the world seems like it doesn't want me here. it just throws me around and makes sure i hit every damn obstacle in sight. i wish i didn't have to exist, or i existed in a better world. but do you know the reason why i still live? do you know the reason why i still go through the day with a spark of hope still within me? because i believe that you will come through.
> 
> it's a fifty-fifty chance as to whether you'll survive or not, but hopefully that transplant will come soon, and then i can see you again. i need you desperately. you're my relief from the hell that i call life. without you, life right now isn't worth living. thoughts of you make me smile. seeing you makes me grin. hearing your voice makes me happy. holding you makes me grateful. you're my everything. you're my escape. you're my beautiful sunshine.
> 
> to me, you're like a tropical island, only for me. i can see you alone and with friends; we can be together privately or publicly; we can be loud or quiet; you're always sunny and bright. to brighten things up even more, i want to talk about another thing i adore about you, so let's get onto another segment of 'what jeonghan loves about seungcheol'! god, your eyes could hypnotise me in a second. the way they slowly rotate around your pupil, spinning like stirred hot chocolate on a winter's night. they glisten when they meet the light, and reflect a beautiful feeling to me when i stare into them. the smile your eyes make when you're happy makes my heart skip a beat, seeing as it makes you look so cute and precious. you always tell me that i look like a painting - too perfect to be real - and i wonder whether you need glasses. i can see a beauty perfectly in front of me, but not when i look in the mirror. what do you see in me that makes me seem like the definition of perfection?
> 
> i don't know whether you're interested or not, but family life isn't going too well. my mum's filing a divorce with my father, and she's not taking me with her. saying she wants to move away and start her life afresh, i break down more after every word. i'm going to be left with the relative who hates me for who i am. i would sneak out, but the beatings will come in stronger if i did. it's just punches now, luckily. managing to steal some concealer from my mum's drawer as she packed up, i can just about cover up the bruises and cuts on my face. it's not the delicate face you saw before. i've been mentally changed. i would sell my soul to gain back the bubbliness of the jeonghan you used to know. but it's gone, i'm sad, i'm quiet, i'm depressed.
> 
> here's the next lyrics, hopefully they are as lovely as you are.
> 
> _dreading the day you leave_   
>  _devastation masks my face_   
>  _longing for the day we meet_   
>  _holding onto that embrace_
> 
> counting down the days until you're return, my love. can't wait to see your face, and feel my lips against yours once again.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

"dr park!" his mother was slightly startled by the surprise visit from the doctor, who stood by door with his feet firmly on the ground. a white coat sat on his shoulders, the sleeves covering his hands from its size. "how is he?"

"seungcheol? he's fine, except for need of a new heart, of course. in fact, that's what i'm here to talk to you about."

the patient's face lit up in joy. this was it. the consent form just had to have one signature, and seungcheol could be whisked off into the surgery room in order to be an inch closer to recovery. an inch closer to jeonghan. "what are you waiting for? give us the form, please!"

the doctor cleared his throat, sighing afterwards. "about that, there's a slight situation about your heart."

"what do you mean 'slight situation'?"

"a ten year old boy became in today, critical condition and was on the brink of death. he needed a heart transplant to survive - and fast. we searched around for spare hearts, and the only one physically fit for the boy was...well..."

"mine." seungcheol spoke blankly, although a sense of anger lingered in his vocal chords. "the heart that was meant to help me live to see another day. the heart that would get me home safely. the heart that would give me a future."

"how could you do that? that was reserved for my son!"

"we were under a lot of pressure, mr choi. please understand our situation-"

"i don't want to understand your flipping situation! i want my son to survive!"

"doctor, can't you find him another heart?" mrs choi tried to ease the tension down, which somewhat worked.

"ma'am, i will try the hardest i can. you can trust me that when we get the new heart, it will be given to seungcheol straight away."

the doctor had his parents follow him out the room, bombarding him with questions filled to the brim with anger. all seungcheol could do, however, was cry. the tears gushed from his eyes, creating small rivers that flowed down the mountains of his cheeks. he needed to see jeonghan once more, just once more. he needed to see his gorgeous face with his eyes, hold his curves and his body in his arms, feel his lips on his own, just once more.

"seokjin, can i please have the phone?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do feel free to comment! i won’t bite :3
> 
> what do you think about the fact that seungcheol has to give up his heart? and do you think that jeonghan will pick up the call?


	11. i’ll listen to this song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “my one and only  
> i love it when you're with me  
> i love you, dear baby.”

 

> dear seungcheol,  
>  i don't even know what to write anymore. things are so uneventful that i'm slowly losing motivation. chan was ill today, so i roamed the halls alone. got in yet another fight today, lost the battle and gained three bruises. cried some more and then tried to pull myself back together.
> 
> why do humans who have terrible lives live the longest? is it god's way of punishing those from the last life? do we deserve this punishment? or is it just bad luck?
> 
> things are becoming repetitive, and i don't know if you've noticed that. don't be blinded by love, i'm not worth it. i'm ugly. i have a constellation of spots; i have greasy hair; i have no abs; i have disgusting thighs; my whole body is disgusting. what do you love me for, seungcheol? personality is definitely not what people look for these days, it's false hope. they say that to make the ugly people feel better about themselves, but it's all lies. please don't waste your breath by coming up with more lies for me, anyway, i wouldn't believe any of them, no matter how much i love them coming from your voice.
> 
> yes, i'm losing self confidence, but what can you expect? when the world is against you, and the only person that respects you is dying in hospital, there's not much left that you can do. i'm sorry, i know you hate me saying 'die'.
> 
> let's forget about my negativity now, here's the song lyrics that you've been waiting for.
> 
> _my one and only_   
>  _i love it when you're with me_   
>  _i love you, dear baby_
> 
> _my honey-suckle_   
>  _i love it when you kiss me_   
>  _i love you, honey_
> 
> i'm so sorry, seungcheol. i've changed, and i hate it.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

"please pick up, please please..." seungcheol eagerly held the phone to his ear, awaiting the crackling from the other end to rise and - along with it - jeonghan's angelic voice.

"seungcheol, don't get your hopes up. he might be-"

_"hello, jeonghan speaking."_ the young boy's eyes lit up, losing his breath and trying to find it again in order to speak. he was shocked, jeonghan had finally picked up the phone!

"hannie, baby! it's me! seungcheol!" his free arm waved about aimlessly in excitement as he spoke. "how are you?"

"fine, i guess." the boy sighed from the other end, _"how about you?"_

"i'm perfect now you've answered! i'm really excited for the mixtape, hannie, like overjoyed! reading the letter, i can imagine your vocals in my mind, singing along peacefully."

_"that's nice."_

"are you sure you're fine? you don't sound alright."

_"...no, i'm not."_ jeonghan coughed up a sob, trying to be quiet. _"its just that, your life was going so smoothly..."_

"jeonghan. i'll make it out, trust me. just focus on your wellbeing! i don't want an unhealthy, unhappy baby now, do i?" he imagined jeonghan shaking his head, "now, how's about you come and see me once the mixtape's finished? seokjin will allow you in-"

_"w-who's seokjin?"_ worriedly wondered jeonghan, causing seungcheol to chuckle.

"he's just my nurse, chill out jeonghan! this is what i'm saying!"

_"okay, honey."_

**_"fatso! come make some food for me!"_** a voice that could only belong to jeonghan's father growled in the background.

_"i've gotta go..."_ jeonghan's voice turns into a soft murmur, as the background noise becomes louder and louder. _"i will visit. i love you..."_

and then the phone cut off. seungcheol was in deep shock at how short the conversation was, but at how sad jeonghan had been. it breaks his heart to know that his darling has to deal with such monsters like his father. if only seungcheol was superman, he would punch jeonghan's father through and into the earth's core. he hated him with a passion for hurting jeonghan. this is not what he deserved.

now, seungcheol would begin to count down the days until jeonghan knocked at his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor hannie :(  
> should i update everyday up until the last chapter? chapter 15 is more or less lyrics that i wrote so you don’t have to necessarily read that chapter when it’s released
> 
> please do let me know in the comments! and do talk to me! （＾∇＾）


	12. don’t listen in secret

> dear seungcheol,  
>  i'm in a slightly better mood than the last letter, but still not the best. that is because i've finally finished the title track, AND when you read this, i would've seen you! i'm so excited!
> 
> i wish to stay in a good mood, but i know that it won't be possible. just thinking about you and the impact that all of these problems have put on my life makes me spiral into tears. i miss you. my heart longs to beat alongside yours, and my arms long to be wrapped around your waist. nothing can take my mind off of you. not food, not friends, not music. nothing. nada.
> 
> i wanted to make this letter different, you know? like something to remember before you listen to the mixtape. i've been thinking about it, and i decided to write a short passage based off of a story i liked. it's called 'restart my life' and so far i'm really enjoying it. i like to imagine myself as riley, and then you being my blake, my knight in shining armour. i think you'd like it, but then, you're into sci-fi and all that jazz, so we'd have to find out. so here's the passage, i hope you like it.
> 
> _**he leaned closer, brushing his hand against my jawline, staring deeply into my eyes. heat rose to my cheeks like smoke in a fire rising to the sky, causing a rosy blush to appear. he looked so stunning in the moonlight, and i couldn't help but stutter when i spoke, or have my heart skip a beat, or lose my train of thought. "riley," he smiled, his teeth sparkling like the stars above when he grinned. "thank you for tonight." i was stunned, his beauty had me in a time loop. however, i soon caught on to his words. "but, you took me out? surely i should be the one who thanks you!" he let out a giggle, pivoting his head to display to me his side profile. looking back at me, my stomach swirled with butterflies. "but i'm thanking you for existing. for being a part of my life. this is just part one of my thank you." "what's part two then-" i was cut short of my words when he pressed his plump lips against mine, filling my senses with the entrancing scents of his shampoo. kissing back, i noticed how we moved in motion, our hands tangled, our eyes closed, our hearts beating. it really was beautiful.** _
> 
> it was kind of inspired by our cherry blossom date, remember? you thanked me for being me, and then we shared one of my first kisses. i was so glad it wasn't our last. it makes my heart ache that we won't be able to do things like that again, not until you're well, anyways.
> 
> i don't want to go into the details about my life. it's not important.
> 
> _missing the warm summer days_   
>  _where your lips fall straight into mine_   
>  _running through the green grass_   
>  _kiss me and let it last_
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

he held onto the pusheen teddy, rocking back and forth in the hospital bed. seokjin was kind of concerned at the fact that ever since the call, seungcheol had stared longingly at the mahogany door, waiting for a certain person to walk through. different people have entered and exited, his parents, seokjin, dr park, all but that one person who seungcheol's heart ached for.

until one day.

the door creaked open, and a familiar face peeked through. the long, tawny hair that brushed against his shoulders; the cheekbones that acted as trampolines for the light to bounce off of; the hot chocolate eyes that spun around his pupils; it really was him. yoon jeonghan, his boyfriend, was right in front of him, and his eyes filled with tears.

as jeonghan ran up to him, seungcheol noticed what jeonghan tried to hide. the bruises; the cuts; the acne; the depression. all things that jeonghan was too afraid to show the world, all the things that seungcheol's heart would break over, all covered by a stroke of concealer and a fake smile.

stroking his hair, seungcheol allowed jeonghan's head to rest in the crook of his neck, fitting in flawlessly like a puzzle piece. both boys' shirts became soggy with tears, tears that showed the affection that they'd held in for each other for so long. "i'm sorry..." jeonghan mumbled as he let go from the hug, placing himself down on the seat and fiddling with the bow on the box he held. 'such an innocent heart,' seungcheol thought, 'cracked by the hatred of others.'

"my life hasn't been very interesting, really." seungcheol broke the silence, "so i would love to know about what's going on at home."

"i'm not sure that you do," jeonghan spoke, looking up with worried eyes.

"of course i do, i wanna know what i can do as your boyfriend to help you."

"there's nothing to do. my fate's been sorted." he sighed, rubbing the side of the box. "life is going to end me some day, it's just how it's going to happen. he's going to punch me to death one day, and the only thing i'll miss would be you. chan's no use, he doesn't know the pain with his perfect family life and positive outlook on the future. he doesn't understand the heartbreak. the others were right for leaving."

"but they left you all alone, i can't bear the thought of you coping like that."

"but i'm a mess as it is, cheol. i such a damn mess that not even i know what's going on with my mind."

"but i do, and i think that-"

"you haven't been here for the last month!" jeonghan's vocal chords stressed when he spoke, causing his voice to weaken and become thin. "you don't know how much i've had to go through without someone like you to support me! it's been hell!" seungcheol went speechless. "i just want someone to see me and agree with me: that i'm a mess that shouldn't exist."

"but you're my mess," seungcheol placed his hand on top of his boyfriend's. "and you have every right to live."

"you deserve more of a life than me. you're goddamn perfection."

"i think you're talking to a mirror, jeonghan."

"...compliments aren't what i deserve right now, cheollie."

"then do you deserve this?"

seungcheol leaned over as far as he could, and luckily was able to reach jeonghan's lips. he could feel the cuts where jeonghan bit his lip excessively; he could smell the fresh strawberries in jeonghan's hair; he could taste the refreshing mint from jeonghan's toothpaste. jeonghan, jeonghan, jeonghan. that's all he could think about right now. the only thing he cared about was jeonghan, and he wished that he could stay with him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the story that was included in jeonghan’s letter was based off of an original story my friend wrote on wattpad, if you were wondering :)
> 
> we’re nearing the end! hhhhhh  
> ((what do you think’s gonna happen next?))


	13. even if this song becomes inaudible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “i love you dearly  
> this is my sweet confession  
> will you kiss me back?“

> dear seungcheol,  
>  this is the letter that goes with the mixtape, you can read it before, during, or after. whatever tickles your fancy.
> 
> each song is inspired by something you've said, something you've done, something about you. you're the only interesting thing in this world, and this is only some of the words that i could express for you.
> 
> on the mp3, there are seven songs - majority piano, but a few have a guitar. each has a special meaning behind it, and with the descriptions i'm about to give you, you'll understand what i mean. the only one i won't give you an explaination to is the title song, which you can figure out for yourself - hopefully.
> 
> track 1 - this song is about missing someone close to you, and about how even a metre can feel like a mile apart. but, no matter you are, your significant other is always there, in your mind and heart, and a kiss is waiting for you at where they are.
> 
> track 3 - this song is about the sacrifices we take for love. whether that be to protect them, or to even see them, we do whatever we can to complete that task, even if we get hurt along the way.
> 
> track 4 - this song is about being there for each other, and staying there no matter what. it shows the feelings of someone when they're alone and feeling upset, and how being with their significant lover makes them feel safe.
> 
> track 5 - this song is about reliving all of the past memories we shared, and keeping them treasured. it shows even that even the smallest picture can trigger a million moments that you have had together.
> 
> track 6 - this song is about being far from someone you hold dear, and being restricted from being near to them. it talks about the pain and heartache you emote when going through this what i would call torture, and how great it feels to be reunited again.
> 
> track 7 - this song is about love in general, sung in your favourite poem style: haikus. it expresses the simple feelings that you express whilst in love, while keeping the 5-7-5 syllable structure in tack.
> 
> even if you never listen to it again, and it gets lost in the sea of items around you, please just listen to it at least once. listen to what i have to say, and what i can't. please somewhat enjoy the rose petal project. favourite a song, hate them all, whatever, but just listen to the lyrics and understand my message. that's all i ask of you.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

they had to part. it was slow, time stretching along with the residue saliva between their lips, but it came in the end. they looked each other in the eyes, both of their hearts yearning for more. the only thing that stayed connected between them was their hands. seungcheol's frozen hand locked inside jeonghan's warm hand. the two temperatures contrasted against one another to create the perfect heat between them.

seungcheol sat back against the back frame of the bed, exhaling as he pulled the duvet up to his waist. jeonghan was fiddling with his fingers, speechless. he grazed his palm against the top of the box that sat on his lap, feeling the paper on top slowly peel off from the lack of glue. not noticing that seungcheol was staring straight at him, jeonghan became lost in some thoughts, hopefully not ones that seungcheol can't save him from.

"what's in the box, hannie?" the patient chirped, his eyes widening as the younger looked up quickly. he gripped ahold of the box, and gently passed it over.

"it's the mixtape," jeonghan cleared his throat, "some songs won't be the best, as i had to record them when jihoon...moved on."

"who cares about jihoon right now? get him out of your head. from the way you described his actions, i would've neglected him in an instant." he lifted up the lid as he spoke, being careful not to ruin anything inside. "you're just too kind, that's it."

"is that a bad thing? should i be more cruel?"

"never! it wouldn't suit you." seungcheol giggled at the thought of jeonghan being angry, the idea making the younger seem cute rather than intimidating. he guided his gaze back towards the box, which had been opened as he spoke. the inside was full to the brim with pastel pink tissue paper, and underneath the sea of it all, lay a silver mp3 player, and a set of earphones plugged in and wrapped around the circumference of the player. a letter sat beneath the device, and seungcheol planned to read it as he listened along. getting the go ahead from his boyfriend, seungcheol pressed the earphones into his ears, flipping through the lyric book provided by jeonghan.

"can you listen to track two last?" jeonghan piped up, just before seungcheol's finger hit the play button.

"why?"

"i just would love for you to listen to the title track last."

"then why didn't you put it last?"

"it didn't fit the track list aesthetic." a small smile creeped up jeonghan's face, and seungcheol's face lit up in delight.

"you're smiling! thank the lord!" he grinned, causing an innocent chuckle to escape jeonghan's lips.

he pressed play. with the first piano chord, he was whisked away to another place, another situation, another memory. when he had to go to the hospital one month ago, and they both cried. when seungcheol would get into fights with people in middle school, just to protect jeonghan. when seungcheol received the first letter, and fell in love with his words. when they visited different places and created treasured memories. when seungcheol found out about jeonghan's family life, and couldn't be there to keep him safe. when seungcheol first confessed to jeonghan with a haiku, and made the long-haired boy cry with joy. so much came flooding back to seungcheol, he was way too overwhelmed to even process what anyone was doing. all the background noise was drowned out, fuzzy and unrecognisable, and all he could focus on was jeonghan's vocals.

it was light and airy, sweet vocals that reminded him of a slice of cake, smothered in icing. angelic high notes caused his weak heart to flutter with delight, and every low note made him feel sick in love with the boy even more. the lyrics weren't sugar coated, they were true and from the heart. the fact that jeonghan dedicated time in his day to recording and writing all of this, for this beauty to become the final product. he didn't think that angels existed on earth, but oh how wrong was he. he had now reached the middle 8 of the title track, and he felt his eyelids begin to flutter.

"cheollie? are you alright?" seungcheol was too immersed in the music to answer jeonghan's question. he was quietly falling asleep to the gentle flow of the music, and jeonghan's vocals becoming his lullaby. "seungcheol! answer me! please!"

seungcheol could hear from jeonghan's voice that he was crying, and he felt some tears fall astray onto his shoulder as jeonghan hit the red button. a crowd of doctors surrounded the bed, pushing jeonghan away from the boy. the long-haired boy caught the eye of seokjin, the nurse who got him here in the first place, and grasped a hold of his arm. "seokjin, can i talk to you outside for a second?" he spoke, tears falling into his mouth and leaving a bitter, salty aftertaste on his tongue.

"sure, jeonghan. you should be away from this."

jeonghan choked down a few more sobs wanting to escape, opening the mahogany door with his shaky hand. right then, he remembered the first words seungcheol blessed his ears with, words he could never forget, no matter how hard he tried. it's not like he wanted to forget them anyway, they were too special.

_i love you dearly_  
_this is my sweet confession_  
_will you kiss me back?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the cliffhanger!  
> the next chapter is the last chapter, and the 15th chapter is just some lyrics that i wrote to go alongside the story
> 
> anywho, if you want more from me, then maybe check out my new junshua book ‘jun’s steamy balloon’? i swear that it’ll be a lot more fluffy :3


	14. this song that i made for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “why did you fall in love with me,  
> a boy with a physically broken heart?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn’t know when to post this chapter, seeing as there are some touching topics and it’s very angsty, and the date i planned to post it collided with recent events
> 
> read with caution <3

_silence. it's all he could hear._

no matter how loud the priest spoke, no matter how loud the relatives sobbed, all the boy could hear was silence.

the coffin sat on top of an oakwood block, glossed to rebound light and decorated with every flower known to man. he could only name a few though; roses, lilies, daffodils.

he balanced himself on the balls of his feet, rubbing together his fingers in order to keep the warm temperature within his system. looking down, he couldn't bare to look at the coffin again, it made his heart ache way too much. _'it should've been me in that coffin, not him.'_

the priest finished reciting some bible verse in which the boy didn't know, and called his name, making his ears perk upwards. "he was a close friend."

carrying the sheet of paper, he sighed. "i was actually his boyfriend." correcting the priest, he tried to smile, but nothing appeared. taking another glance at the coffin, at how beautiful he looked this afternoon, he gulped back the tears and opened up the paper, ready to begin reading.

"how can i put into words how grateful i am to have known this boy? it's practically impossible. we've been connected at the hip, and trying to recall certain memories seemed dreadfully hard - in which it was." he saw all of their friends sitting in the crowds. the ones that they partially hated: mingyu, wonwoo, jihoon, soonyoung. the ones that were too nice but couldn't stay: hansol, seungkwan, seokmin, junhui, minghao. the ones that were always there, even if they weren't: chan, jisoo. they had all gathered in the church, no matter what obstacles they had to get through to get here, and it made him feel better. "we've had special memories together alone, and with our friends, and i couldn't have asked for anything more. so this isn't a goodbye message, or a recital of words. it's a tribute. a tribute to yoon jeonghan.

"it all began in the autumn of seventh grade. my feelings were all messed up because hormones did exist back then as well. my heart was in a better condition back then, but i was back and forth from the hospital as usual. i happened to see him standing by a locker, scrolling through something on his phone. deciding to let my social butterfly run free for another person, i pushed through the crowds and tried to lean against the locker like the cool boys in movies - however, i ended up getting pushed into the locker, and made jeonghan jump. after composing myself and sorting myself out, i smiled and asked him what he was listening to. it was i wait by day6, one of my favourite songs at the time. it was his favourite as well. i guess that's what we bonded over, that and food.

"it wasn't until the middle of eighth grade that i confessed to him. i didn't know feelings like mine could exist, it felt...weird. all the romantic comedies have men and women fall in love, so what did that make me? an alien? luckily, i remembered passing by a pride parade as i went to pick up bread for my parents. it was small, and people did give them odd looks as they walked away, but it made me realise that i wasn't alone. i decided to write him a haiku in order to express my love, seeing as it made my confession short and to the point. he ended up loving it, thank the lord. then that began a long lasting relationship that i would never..." seungcheol exhaled and tried to hold in the tears.

"come on, coups, you're doing well." jisoo whispered to himself, although seungcheol could just about hear it.

"i would never forget. i tried to give him everything, but i wasn't strong enough. but it didn't matter, because he loved me, and i loved him. i loved him s-so much." seungcheol was angry at himself for starting to cry, "i'm sorry. i'm sorry for crying at your funeral, i'm sorry for not being there for you when you wanted it. i'm sorry for causing you to end up where you are now. i'm so sorry..."

"would you like to stop, mr choi?" the priest asked, although seungcheol shook his head.

"he deserves more than a small speech like this. i'll say some more. you can stop listening if you want, it'll probably bore you." he sighed, holding up the paper with his shaky hand and scrunching it up into a tight ball. "my favourite memory of me and jeonghan was when we visited the cherry blossom trees on our first date. he spoke about it in a letter to me. i remember each second like it was yesterday, and he still looks as handsome as ever. we sat underneath the biggest tree, sharing a pastry from the local bakery and laughing until our stomaches killed. i watched the petals from the tree gracefully flutter down from the tree and land on his head as if it was a runway. his eye smile, his lips, his eyes, his whole face, his whole body. everything, physical and mental, about him was striking. wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders, we watched the sun set and rise, and we felt infinite. nothing could've been better that day, it was the pinnacle of our relationship. it's just sad that everything had to go downhill from there onwards.

"in honour of jeonghan, i would like to not only play you our favourite song, but i would also like to read you a letter i wrote to him on my death bed. the death bed he saved me from.

_dear jeonghan,_

_when you read this, you may be happy or sad with the outcome of my life. i'm dreadfully sorry if it's not the one you wanted, baby, whatever it may be._

_whether this letter reaches you is one thing, but even if it doesn't, i would just like to say some things that i love about you, seeing as that's all you talked about in the letters you sent me._

_your eyes make me feel as if i'm in a teacup ride in a carnival, constantly spinning and becoming hypnotised in your love. your smile mixed with your kisses make me feel weak. you have a different smile for any situation, and the ones you give me feel so special. you said you hated your shoulders, but i feel like they make you all the more manly. they're always there for me to lean on if i was sad, and i hoped that mine could do the same. the smell of your hair entrances me, and it sends me off to a tropical island. it's so soft, and it doesn't matter if it gets in my way, because the stunning scent will just send me to sleep._

_all i want to say is thank you. thank you for sticking by me no matter what, and watching everyone leave one by one as you held your head high for me. i have one question that will sadly never be answered: why did you fall in love with me, a boy with a physically broken heart?_

_\- your devil, seungcheol x_

"i love you jeonghan, don't ever forget that." seungcheol was a sobbing mess once the letter was finished being read, and he gestured to the piano player to start the music. collapsing back into the seat, tears started to follow out of his eyes like a beaver's dam had been smashed open. it was such an upbeat song, and everyone else was bopping their head along to the music, but seungcheol was crying his eyes out of his skull, calmly comforted by jisoo.

_i'm lost right now (i wait)_  
_i'm in the same place (oh why)_  
_waiting for you to hold my hand_  
_eh eh_

_i'm tied to you (i wait)_  
_i'm in the same place_  
_either untie me or pull me closer_  
_eh eh_  
_waitin' all day_

☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡☆彡

everyone else had scattered away, and seungcheol sat alone in front of the coffin. he stared once again at the unidentifiable flowers that still looked pretty after being away from water for so long. they reminded him of jeonghan, with their flaws and perfections.

it was warm in the church halls now, and seungcheol swore he could feel another person's presence in the room.

"seungcheol," pivoting his head, seungcheol realised it was only seokjin, who had a sheet of paper in his hand. "are you alright?"

"i don't know." blankly replied the boy.

"well, i'm here to give you something. it might be of some importance to you, so i can leave you alone to read it if you'd like."

"what is it?"

"it's a letter, from jeonghan. he asked me to give it to you before you died."

the shivering hand returned, reaching out to grab the lined sheet of paper. it was unfamiliar without the gudetama envelope, like just a normal letter. but, it still came from jeonghan's mind, and that's all that matters. "...please may i have some alone time?"

"of course." then, seokjin strolled towards the arched doors, and outside. he was going to go to the after party, where people would drink and be happy. seungcheol was anything but happy at this point in time, so he decided to stay with his boyfriend for a while longer.

unfolding the letter, he admired jeonghan's beautiful calligraphy. he was so damn talented, and was gone too soon. with each word he read, the tears began to fall more and more. his eyes baggy, his lips trembling, his skin paler. but, something made his heart warm, as he felt a pair of arms slip around his waist. a pair of arms that weren't there. he read the letter, and those arms made him feel at peace for one last time.

 

> dear seungcheol,  
>  well, this is it. the funeral. the day everyone's prepared for, but no one's ready for.
> 
> this will be the last time i speak to you, and i will miss you forever. we've parted ways, and we have to make our own paths now. one of us through life, and the other up to heaven.
> 
> as a parting gift, i wanted to give you something to remember me by. not something silly that you'll store away and forget, like a snow globe or an album, but something you'll use on a day to day basis. that is why i gifted you my heart.
> 
> i was the anonymous donor, as you should know by now. my life has been a hellhole since the day it begun, you being my only relief. my father wished i was never alive, and my mother doesn't even seem alive from the lack of interactions. as the life slipped away from you, i thought to myself 'i can't let this ray of hope fade out', so i gave away my life in order for yours to begin. you gave me so much when we were together, so this was the least i could do to return the favour. seokjin allowed me to quickly write this before i passed on, so that's another thing we owe to samaritans like him.
> 
> if there's one thing i want you to take away from this experience, it's this: don't waste this life, seungcheol. don't waste it mourning me, it's not worth your time. use it to find the boy or girl of your dreams, and gift them with the person that is choi seungcheol. that person deserves all of your love, much more than i did. i wish i was your soulmate, and i wish the world didn't make us part. but, we can't all get what we want in life.
> 
> when you listen to the mixtape, my heart will beat alongside the bass drum. when you find that special person, my heart will skip a beat for you. when you start a family of your own, my heart will be warm for you. and you'll get to feel it all, because my heart will be with you. no need to feel lonely, because i'll always be there for you.
> 
> make sure you treat your next lover right, and if they don't treat you right, my angel spirit will give them all the karma within me. you deserve the best, and only the best. you are a blessing, your life is a blessing - do not waste it on me.
> 
> i will always love you, seungcheol, as long as the stars still shine and the ocean still waves. i loved you, i love you, and i will love you, forever and ever.
> 
> \- your angel, jeonghan x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s it, thank you so much for reading! please do tell me what you think of it in the comments, and tell me what I can improve on for future stories (ie my new junshua fic ‘jun’s steamy balloon’))
> 
> if you need to talk about anything, my wattpad inbox is open (@findingliguori)
> 
> stay safe and healthy everyone, and anticipate other stories!
> 
> ((and if you’re wondering what the last chapter is, it’s a lyric book that i can post if you guys want it))

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> ☆thank you for reading!☆


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